Sensory Soul

I used to think I was just really good at being adaptable.

Growing up, I thought it was normal to feel like I had a different personality for every situation. At school, I was not the quiet, polite girl who followed the rules. Around friends, I was a little loud, trying to be funny, trying to match the energy in the room. Around adults, I was extra charming, smiling when I didn’t want to, nodding even when I didn’t agree.

Turns out, that’s called masking.

And I was doing it like a full-time job. With overtime. For years.

What Even Is Masking?

Masking is when you hide parts of yourself to fit in, to feel safe, or to avoid being judged. In the neurodivergent world, especially with ADHD and autism, it means putting on a kind of social camouflage.

It’s copying expressions. Rehearsing conversations. Forcing eye contact. Smiling when your brain is screaming. Pretending noise doesn’t bother you. Nodding even when you have no idea what’s going on.

It’s trying to be “normal.”

(spoiler: it’s exhausting.)

But I Didn’t Know I Was Doing It

I thought everyone was this tired after social events. I thought everyone practiced what to say before a phone call or had to recover in silence after a trip to the shops.

I thought I was just bad at being a person.

Too sensitive. Too much. Too intense.

Or worse, not enough of the right things.

I was constantly measuring my words, my reactions, my face. And when I finally learned what masking was, it hit me like a freight train: I had been doing it my whole life.

Why We Do It

We mask because we want to belong. Because we’ve been taught that our natural selves are “wrong,” “too much,” “weird,” or “difficult.” We learn early on that stimming is “inappropriate,” that being blunt is “rude,” that being overwhelmed makes us “dramatic.”

So we twist and contort. We shape-shift. We blend in.

But the cost is real.

Burnout. Anxiety. Depression. Identity confusion. That bone-deep exhaustion from constantly editing yourself.

Unmasking is a Whole Journey

Now that I know what masking is, I’ve started to notice the small ways I still do it. I catch myself toning things down or holding things in. I’m learning to ask: Is this really me, or is this the version I think people want?

Unmasking isn’t about throwing social norms out the window. It’s about giving myself permission to exist without apology.

To stim without shame.

To say “no” without guilt.

To rest without “earning it.”

Final Thought

I’m not mad at my past self for masking. It kept me safe. It helped me survive. But now? I want to live, not just perform.

So if you’re slowly peeling back the layers, trying to figure out who you are underneath the mask: I see you.

And who you are is enough, even when you’re not trying to be.